I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Not😆🤣
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
😜
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily