I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌