I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Meat Cute
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]