Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.