Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.