Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

in 3 months

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

Heroic Misunderstanding