I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
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merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.