Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Voting for coroner

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.