Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.