Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I feel like one of these would kill a European

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.