Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?