I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Wait a minute
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.