I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
