Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

how to market bottled water to dads

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore