I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Two types of dogs.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.