I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
when unicorns get really drunk
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.