Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

Barbie gone wild

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?