I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
You Might Also Like
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.