@junejuly12

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

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@Browtweaten

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

@Arrogant_Twat

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

@jazz_inmypants

50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom

OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing

@thenatewolf

ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.

ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-

ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.

@_GrahamPatrick

[bedroom]

TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I’d never cheat on you.

TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay….hey, when did we get that wardrobe?

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@imteddybless

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

@maxlavergne

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

@emilygabaldon

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

@AimeeHelene1

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)