I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
You Might Also Like
🙁
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
What personal space?
My dog
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞