I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails