I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)