I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?