I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.