Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

Inside you there are two wolves

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?