I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Sorted
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England