I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
pictures of spider-man
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
