Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Pay be like:

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

If a snake ate a cake

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”