I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
