I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Your secret is safeish with me
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”