I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.