I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
(Electricians.)
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl