I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
When the stylist spins you back around
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Bro what is this
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.