I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My wife gives the best headache.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
The answer is funnier than the question
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub