I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.