I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
You Might Also Like
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat