I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
You Might Also Like
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
become ungovernable
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.