I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Before & after 😅
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me