I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Go gym
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.