Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

why no one uses midhusbands

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.