I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl