Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

This is my emotional support knife.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.