I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
🖤✌🏽
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.