Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

✨☝️✨

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)