I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.