I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.