Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

subtitles are so good nowadays

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.