Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

there’s probably a fee though