I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying