i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale