Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.