i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Sooo many times…..
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.