i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???