I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I need to sieze this.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Snack for election night!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother