I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
we all know this pain all too well
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this