Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.