Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name