Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.