@Swishergirl24

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

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@Cpin42

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

@E_lok44

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

@ruinedpicnic

J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”

@sonictyrant

[Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that’ll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

@prufrockluvsong

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

@Darlainky

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.