Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”
CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that’ll be $17.62
ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.