I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Welcome
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Lmao
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…