I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths