I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
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Me checking my bank balance online.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”