Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

The 6 types of sex

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”