I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
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Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.