I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
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[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.