Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed