I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Good Morning.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.