Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join