I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Breaking news:
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.