Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in