Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

At least try to make it slightly believable

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.