I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.