I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“I wouldn’t.”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.