Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

boys are so easy to impress

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes